The Wifers

Undeniably, the wifers runs the show. I don't mean in our marriage. I mean she runs the life show.

More than anybody I've ever been around, my other half controls her environment. It's really pretty impressive. She uses some unknown mind powers to get people to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

She's always been widely respected/feared at every job I've seen her have, and otherwise reasonable people seem horrified at the idea of letting her down. Back in the day, when we worked at Hardee's, if she was starting to get upset at a string of ridiculous orders or an incompetent co-worker, people would fly in from out of nowhere to help out. Even her bosses. It was very bizarre.

When I was 19, we were together for months before I even realized I was in a relationship. She told everyone I was dating her to help pay her bills. And, even though I clearly had no money, they believed her. I still don't know how she got me to ask her out. These days, she gets me to do things for her without ever asking. It's amazing, and I don't know how she does it.

One day, we were in our bedroom after a satisfying meal, and she said, "you know what sounds good?" And I said, "Andy's. I'll be right back." I had her hot fudge sundae with nuts before I knew what had happened.

If she wants wants me to turn the light off, she doesn't even have to say anyting. She simply makes a lazy wave of her hand, like a paw scratching, and I know that means it's time for lights out.

And the kids, don't get me started on the kids. Our boys will defend her to the death, even if I'm the one whose right. Somehow, our children have been raised to believe that fathers have to do anything mothers ask. And they have to be happy about it. I never taught them that! I try to tell them different, but they never listen.

Her genius does come with a few eccentricities. She puts her deodorant on in an unassailable ritual pattern that would humble even the most OCD person -- so many strokes, and just a certain way, but I don't try to understand. She arrives at work 30 minutes early come rain, snow or hail. I'm not sure why, but I think it's so she never feels any pressure to clock in.

The bottom line is, there is no sneaking up on her; she already knows you're there. You think you're watching the big game, then you're checking highlights online. She's been watching her shows, and you didn't even know. If she's cold, now you're cold. She's got your jacket.

It's incredible.

Today is her birthday. I would have a present for her, but I already told her she can buy whatever she wants. I don't know how that happened.

Happy Birthday, Valerie! I'm glad I'm on your side.